I’ve started this blog for 10 days. I couldn’t decide if I should even write about Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Not because I don’t care, not because I don’t think it’s important but because sometimes you don’t want to be the survivor anymore.

What I mean is that sometimes it’s really exhausting to be a survivor; an advocate because you are fighting a battle that not enough people seem to care about or that they brush off as “not that serious” or as we’ve heard recently “locker room talk”. It’s tough because I’m extremely passionate about eliminating domestic violence but even more so about educating people about this deadly crime.

I considered not writing anything then recent events brought me to a sick feeling in my stomach because I see and hear so many people again brushing off forms of domestic violence and it triggers me.

I remember being the joke, “Oh don’t make him mad or he’ll put you through the wall like Felicia, haha.” I remember hearing guys make jokes about the way my abuser talked to me, treated me and physically abuse me. They were the type to simply “brush it off” and excuse their words by simply saying “it’s just a joke.” But it wasn’t funny to me then and it’s not funny to me now.

Maybe I could forgive a little easier had I ever received an apology but most survivors do not ever get that because an abuser never believes they are wrong. I recently had to relive my 7 year abusive relationship in hopes to help a fellow survivor and in doing so, found out my abuser still denies ever abusing me, denies he ever laid a hand on me, denies the constant put downs, controlling and manipulation he put me through. That relationship ended 11 years ago and he still hasn’t changed.

As a survivor, it could be 1 year, 11 years, 21 years, we never forget. Forgive: sure, we have to for ourselves to move on but forget: never.

We never forget so excuse survivors who are being triggered right now and as hard as it may seem to you, trust me words can trigger more than you know. And to survivors, keep fighting to educate people on this deadly crime, we made it out and we need to stick together to raise awareness to this deadly crime for our fellow survivors, for victims still living in fear, for our children, family, friends, strangers who have no one to turn to; we must keep fighting this battle together. Because we know this isn’t ok, we know it’s a big deal and we know we can help to eliminate dv.

The bruises on the outside heal; it’s the bruises on the inside that can last a lifetime.